laziness is brutally unforgiving. worse than paralysis, it is inactivity by choice.
some people will say that others need it, that it is part of an organic process that will eventually usher in the growth of a person. there are triggers and there are cures. but it can also be chronic and that one might be incurable. or maybe not. a part of me still believes every single human being experiences a profound moment of enlightenment in their lives wherein they realize their profound purpose on earth. everything else follows after that. the laziness ends. the choice is always directed towards doing something.
i am, obviously, not at that stage yet. but i am currently battling this disease that is laziness in the hopes of it not becoming chronic. because, frankly, one could look for as much motivation to write but when the brain chooses sleep over the former — boom. i no longer have any excuse. i never had any, to begin with. that’s the sadder part. i just stopped. i allowed myself to stop. it’s just so wrong.
i need to get back on that high horse. i don’t know how – suddenly and forcefully, reducing my sleeping hours and my bouts with alcohol? or slowly but surely, ensuring output within a careful schedule to avoid further disappointment of the self.
i don’t know. i really don’t. i have no game plan. the desire to sleep is still very strong. all i’m telling myself to do now is finish beautifully, at least. if this entry will serve as the mark of the end of this writing hiatus, then at least do it with some sense of self respect and finish beautifully.
and begin. just fucking begin.